During one of my meditations the other day I had an epiphany of sorts, regarding the fundamental nature of TPE Dom/sub – Master slave relationships. Based upon my observation, the average Dom/sub relationship initiated via the internet as opposed to real life seems to have a life span of three years or less.


t2vanillaNo, this is not the epiphany.  As a matter of fact, I’m sure many of you, if you stop to think about it and examine those whom you know who attempt to live or have D/s relationships, may agree more or less with my unscientific observation.


What occurred to me was this simple little statement.


“In general, Dominant / submissive 24/7 relationships are a fundamentally flawed concept…”


It is the nature of all things to grow and evolve. BDSM et al is no exception. When I came into this, in the 80’s, the primary method of contact where I lived was meeting via introduction, events or small groups. At this time meeting, your Top / Dom or Bottom / sub via the net was highly unlikely. Now, in the 21-century, that equation has, from my observation, flipped and it would seem the majority of D/s relationships are initiated via internet introductions.


This, it would seem, is part of the problem. It should come as no surprise to those of us who live the lifestyle that how Dominant /submissive relationships are portrayed on the net is a complete fantasy. A seductive image that many aspire to, not knowing that much of it is -in reality – unattainable. Yet, even if you could attain the ideal, it is not sustainable, when put to the test of mundane reality. Yet so many, not knowing better, will try.


Regardless of the site there are countless posts, ads and profiles proclaiming, “I seek a Master or Mistress to serve or to own me” or “ I seek a sub or slave who will serve me”. We’ve all seen the variations of this theme from the mild to wild to the purely abusive. At the core this is about the human need to connect, to relate and to magnify our emotions. This is one of the reasons that, as a species, we have relationships.


The quality of our relationships is in direct proportion to the amount we share with another human being. The growth of relationships is dependent on your ability to share, to give and take.


Herein lies what I call the fundamental flaw. When you surf the various groups, discussion lists and personals there is one concept which repeats over and over. Strip away whatever rationalization for why someone seeks to be in a D/s relationship and at the core you may see most of the people today enter into such relationships for “what they can get” not what they “give” So many alleged Dominants come to the table with the premise of someone who will serve as my sub or slave and who’s wants / needs are second to mine. Yet on the other side, how many submissive’s have lamented how they can’t seem to find a Dominant, yet when they do then complain that their needs are not being met? Intrinsically speaking, I propose to you, this is the same coin just different sides and driven by “what can I get?”.


The power of relationships is our ability to relate, magnify our positive emotions and form some kind of unity. If this be true then we should not be entering D/s relationships or any intimate relationship for that matter for what we can “get” but what we can “give”. So many of us enter into relationships seeking to fill this undefined void within us, hoping that the other person can some how magically fill it for us. The problem is when you have two people in a relationship for what they can take from the other, be it emotional, spiritual or physical, it becomes no different than being in the desert and both of you trying to have the last sip of water. At this point, functionally speaking, you will not be magnifying each other’s positive emotions of love, caring and respect but instead amplifying the worst aspects of each other. It becomes driven by “rules” and score keeping- not sharing- and the relationship begins its slow and inevitable death.


This, as many of us humans practice Dom / sub relationships, is the fundamental flaw. Oh and by the way – I have been just as guilty as the rest of you.


Is it possible to be a Dominant / Top / Owner and measure your success to your partner, sub, slave or bottom by how much you “freely” give and contribute? I say yes. You see anything in the universe, which doesn’t contribute, is ultimately eliminated. Perhaps then the path is to redefine the role of a Dominant, a paradigm shift from one who “controls” to one who “leads”. Perhaps the solution, at least for the Dominant half of this grand equation, lies in the art and science of leadership.


I need to meditate more on this, for I feel a fundamental truth to which I cannot fully define.


Your thoughts?


Veritas Lux Mea
The truth enlightens me / The truth is my light



  1. Too often the only thing we ever truly think we know is our own needs. When all else fails, what are we left with? Ourselves. And hence, we begin to delve into where we were left. We may find hurt and pain, and the feelings are those that we either find comfort in, or we look to change. So we explore what is inside of us that helps to choose our paths. Often, it is our own needs that speak the loudest. And those are what we hear. They have repeated themselves to us often so their tone and cadence are familiar. The comfort of something familiar leads us along again, often down the same path we once traveled.
    So, your thoughts to suppress our own personal needs and look beyond seems valid. We must step beyond our current knowledge and experience to find new answers. That too may seem painful and discomfort often awaits us there. It is that step that is necessary. The need to commit to something beyond our comfort level and see it to its end. And regardless of the result, to be thankful to have been allowed that experience and the opportunity for learning and growth. Because even in the dredges of life, there is personal growth. What we do with it makes us who we ultimately become.

    Syl    Jan 22, 2007 02:41 PM   

  2. And how long do none internet connecting D/S relationships last?

    peg    Jan 25, 2007 10:20 AM   

  3. Right on!

    This is something that I think we’ve all been aware of in some form or another. Most often in the lives of those who confide in us as friends and confidants. For instance, how many of us have the friend with the abysmally low self-esteem who swears that s/he simply cannot be happy with themselves until they find someone who can be happy with them?? I think we have all suffered through this at one point or another, and we have all done our best to help our friends and fellows through it as well. And it is, essentially, the same thing.

    Seeking validation by what others can give you, rather than validating yourself by giving to others.

    Now, let’s look at the other end of this scale. How many of us have done volunteer service in some capacity? Perhaps you’ve donated food to a homeless shelter or collected pop can tabs for the local children’s hospital family housing? Maybe you’ve served at a community center for endangered youth? Have you ever made a meal or cleaned the house for a sick or injured friend or family member? These are things that most of us have, at some point or another, done in our lives, things that we do not for what we will get out of it in the end, but because we have a need to give of ourselves and our means to others. And how do you feel afterward? Happy, joyful, as though with whatever little bit you’ve done, however small or grand, you’ve made the world that much of a better place than it was only moments before. In short…we feel fulfilled.

    We are validating ourselves by giving selflessly to others.

    Christian, Wiccan, Jewish,  Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu—is it coincidence that faiths and cultures around the world since almost the beginning of time all teach this same fundamental tennant—to give and share? Or does it speak to some greater, deeper need in humanity—dominant, submissive, switch or vanilla—to give of ourselves?

    I’ve learned, though all my many, many failed relationships—life and vanilla alike—that there are three questions that should be answered—by my own self—in regard to any prospective relationship, whether it be platonic or intimate. 1.) What do I have to give him/her? 2.) Does s/he need what I have to give? 3.) Will s/he accept what I have to give?

    Now here’s the trick. It takes time to answer these questions! It takes involvement to learn enough about a person to understand whether or not they need what you have to give and whether or not they will accept it. For instance, some people might need caring and compassion, but have trouble accepting it. Others will accept anything that they are given, regardless of whether they need it, or even whether or not it even suits them! To go back to Sir Magic’s original point about online relationships…it’s not conductive to getting to know someone. Sure, you can meet someone, you can talk to them, and begin to get a feel for them….but nothing, absolutely NOTHING compares to meeting someone face-to-face, sitting across from them and talking.

    To compound this point…I think another problem that crops up is the topic of conversation. The record number of orgasms you can have before tiring or how long you can give fellatio without getting a cramp is not get-to-know-you conversation! Anyone can conjure up a list of likes and dislikes on any topic, and in this lifestyle, talking about sex seems to come as almost second nature to so very many of us on both sides. “What do you like?” is commonplace, but what one rarely hears is “Why do you like….?” What’s my point? It’s in the reasoning behind the fears and desires that we learn about a person, that we get to really KNOW them, not just know about them. For instance, you might know your partner’s favorite color is pink…but do you know that it’s because her favorite blanket as a little girl, the one that always comforted her and kept her safe from the monsters in the closet, was pink? Or do you know that she’s afraid of breath play because when she was a girl, she had a severe asthma attack that nearly suffocated her?

    We have become desperately spoiled. Between instant access, drive through service and to-your-door delivery, this world of instant gratification has spawned a multi-generational impatience that is damaging our interpersonal skills and making it harder and harder to relate to others, instead of ourselves, and therefore contributes to this general attitude we all share of “gimmie gimmie gimmie, it’s all about me.”

    I rambled.

    I’m sorry.



    sakura    Jan 29 2007 , 08:41 PM   

  4. I couldn’t agree more. I found that for me though I have always been interesed in th D/s lifestyle, it was more practical for me to form a typical relatioship with someone who shared my intrests and move slowly into it. I have now been with my master for 3 years and married for 1. I couldn’t be happier and the diffeance is that it is the joy of giving to him not recieving that drives me. I am so glad to see it writen so beautifuly as it was here.

    Lady Emerald Dragon    Feb 1, 2007 01:36 PM   

  5. I just discovered this blog and I am very impressed. On this particular subject I wanted to point out that one often encounters those who are falsely invested in giving. Their self esteem is so low that they cannot ask for what they need but instead give to the relationship what they want in return and hope that through some magik their partner will give back to them.

    This is false in two ways. One, they are not giving from their strengths but from their weakness – they are giving what they lack in hopes of getting it returned. Second, they are not truly giving but rather are bargaining and refusing to admit it.

    In any case these relationships also tend to last about 3 years