Who I once was….
Ripples of life, and wake she left behind.
When we are young we are so sure of our rightness. Rightness in our perceptions, in what we believe and most importantly who we think we are. Then we have contact with life and most of us learn otherwise.
Who I was once upon a time and who I am now are of course not the same, nor should I be. There are many catalysts in life which foster change thinking, back I remember many. Some I have shared with you, losing Kimberly, my relationship with Marie, moving to and from the Virgin Islands, some of my dalliances and loves. Others I have not, the death of my slave winter, loss of my slave autumn, my move to Kentucky and my relationship with Pippa.
In a sense Magic’s World doesn’t reflect who I am, nor has it for a long-time and even less so today.
Recently, my grandmother died and after 17 years I found myself back in Boston at what is referred to as “the house” my families home. Imagine a 3500 square foot three story two family house in the middle of Roxbury, Ma. on an acre of land with a garage. My mother, uncle, aunt grew up in this home, I grew up in this home and now a third generation is growing up there.
I don’t want to give the impression I’m estranged from my family, I just followed my own path trying to make my way creating my own success and return to the table with something to contribute. I will admit by my own measurements right or wrong I’ve not lived up to my expectations. But that’s just me, holding myself to a standard, which probably is not reasonable.
For the first time in years I was with my whole family. I had not seen my parents in 5 years and other members in about 20. Don’t get me wrong I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. I’ve just been out in the world trying to prove something to myself. But the death of the Matriarch of the family had brought members from the 4 corners of the earth to pay respect and say good-bye.
As I pointed out events are catalysts and in the four days I was with my family I learned something important, I rediscovered who I am. In my life quest to make a name for myself to be a financial success proving to the world I could surpass the success of my parents I lost sight of where I came from. I lost sight of who I am, who I was and as a consequence I didn’t get to where I wanted to be.
How does a person’s life become a message and a lesson? For me it was “being away” from the family for so long that I didn’t know how beloved my grandmother was. By my count over 100 people showed up to her wake causing the service to run for over 3 hours as person after person told how she affected their life. In a sense we had two services first a Christian one and then a Buddhist ceremony. You see I didn’t know my grandmother was also highly regarded within the Buddhist community in New England. To me this quiet humble woman was “grand ma”, but to hundreds in not thousands she was a spiritual leader and holy mother. As I understand it, her name will be added to the 6 th chat, which the members of her organization use, a great honor.
It would seem that spiritual leadership in one form or another runs in my family. My parents in their own right help so many lost souls find their way as their business is a cross road for people from all over the world. Year after year people come back to an Ice Cream Parlor on a little tropical island just to talk to them and in a very real sense seek their wisdom. My uncle is a guidance counselor and my aunt has her own spiritual path. As my mother put it in her own way, “in this family we are all “guides” and “guardians” this is what we do we don’t run from it”.
She cocked her head to the side smiled as she looked at me.
“ So are you done running…Magic? Ready to come home now?”
Years ago I left the family village with my spear in hand to go forth a kill the lion and prove I was a man. But in the end I learned it was never about killing the lion. Any one can kill a lion; it doesn’t make you a man. It’s about the lessons, challenges, hardships, and the number of times you get back up as you journey to the lion’s cave and find your way back. The lessons you choose to learn or not learn and how you allow it to define you is the point.
That afternoon I sat back and watched my parents interact with each other, my relationship role models. I love them dearly and they did right by me. From humble beginnings, I was never abused; they busted their ass to send me to private schools and eventually provided a good upper middle class home and a safe structured environment. My parents have been married for 43 years. They not only run a business together, love each other but they still “like” each other. I can honestly say they will be together until they day they die. As I watched them I came to see how fortunate I was unlike so many of my contemporaries. You see my parents were never toxic or emotionally unavailable, no, my parents taught me how to love.
We are a family of spiritual guides, guardians and paranormals. This legacy as my mother (now the family Matriarch) puts it, is our collective destiny and for generations we’ve had no say in the matter. In my own way I have fulfilled that destiny as I (via Magic’s World) have guided and sometimes misguide many lost souls. Yet perhaps the greatest irony is, it wasn’t until I finally came home did I learn I too was lost.
Part of me feels, hey no body is perfect; yet another wonders geeze how pathetic is that.
It wasn’t my grandmother’s death, which was a catalyst so much as it was the ripples of her life, the wake she left behind. As I listened to all the lives she affected, the countless eulogies and stories some by known dignitaries I began to “get it”. If a life could be a message then I now understand as I stand by the lake and watch her good and powerful ripples continue to lap at the shores.
As I sit here by the sea on a tropical island (visiting my parents) I am in a different place than I was before my pilgrimage to Boston. I have learned things about my path and myself. I will admit I am not sure of anything at the moment even my relationship with my current sub which may not survive her uncertainty and my changing needs. As my mother points out I cannot control where she chooses to invest herself and her energies, however I can control my path. Despite the fact I have no idea what my new path is, I can tell you I’m not afraid as I step into the mist, pick a direction and let my family legacy take me where I’m needed.
Who I was once upon a time and who I am now are not the same, nor should I be…
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