This was written in 1996. A lot of things have changed since then including myself. I have moved from the place I was when I wrote this. Even now people still ask me, do you still love Kim ? The answer is yes. But the past is the past, I gain no enlightenment by allowing myself to be chained to it. Three simple words sum it all up ” Get over it !! “
I waited a life time patiently to find you my Soulmate. And for a brief Moment, YOUR thoughts were MY thoughts, MY goals were YOUR goals, YOUR dreams were MY dreams. The love was grand, the passion unrivaled and we both finally felt complete. Sadly, for us both, until YOU put in enough time on this planet.. you may never understand the value of what was cast aside.
“Experience is the greatest teacher of all..”
Maybe.. my love, we’ll get it right next lifetime.
When we are born it begins a journey. Along the way on this long winding path we eventually end up seeking many things. One of which is love. In the beginning, it is from our Mother & Father, then our family, community and so on. Eventually, assuming everything goes right, we begin to find we have a void within us, which other forms of love can’t seem to fill.
We have all known loneliness, a dark emptiness within our soul which seems to stretch for an eternity. We feel like we are apart of nothing, just drifting aimlessly upon the sea of humanity with no destination, nor land in sight. At times despair is like our wet clothing as we shiver cold and alone in the darkness. To distract ourselves we dream of “The One” and how they will lift our spirits and take away the emptiness, this absence of life.
For some, eventually someone comes along and brings light to this darkness. But as humans, sometimes we are by this time so starved to be “touched” that we unknowing make compromises which, if we were rational we would not make. Thus the saying. “Blinded by love “. Because, of these compromises, we may never find our true predestined love.
Many of you now, are not in a “Soulmate” relationship. The truth is you got tired of waiting and you settled for the best “offer” at the time. This was your choice, and now is your Karma. But in your heart, in your soul you know if someone is your Soulmate, for it goes beyond just love. It is a form of joining.
When you meet your, (SM) this person will have an instantaneous effect on you. A Soulmate is someone who makes your knees go weak and you want to catch your breath. With but a single glance they lesson your burden and but a smile, warms your heart. You will feel a sense of connection ( affinity ) with this person. They will touch you so deeply on so many levels, you will want to share you inner most secrets. For the first time in your life someone will make you feel like almost like a god. Once you have met your (SM) for better or sometimes worse, your life will never be the same.
One of the things which makes this experience unique is the sense of a meaningful spiritual experience. You both feel like this is to be and that you’ve been together before in a past incarnation. Normally for some, it is several months, weeks or days before physical intimacy (sex) occurs. But when you meet your (SM) something happens, the pull or drive to become physically intimate overwhelms many, and one finds it happening basically in the initial meeting. There’s a sense of safety with this person. You knowingly let go of you’re defenses as an empathetic like bond is formed. Unlike other relationships, in the past, there will be no game playing or hidden agendas which plagued you in the past.
Sometimes the best way to find something, is by not looking for it. With this in mind, you probably will meet your Soulmate (SM) when you’re not looking. Since life revels in making things difficult, you’ll probably meet them in the morning when your on the grave yard shift. For many it will be after a bad relationship or several bad relationships. If you are lucky you wont have to wait until your 50 to meet your (SM). But if you do, well at least you’ll appreciate it’s significance more, than someone in their twenties. You have had the benefit of experience, the perspective of age and the knowledge, such love is once in a life time.
The point here is “Serendipity”, so forget about taking that “Singles” bus tour to the Circus. Sure you’ll meet a lot of nice people and perhaps you really should get out, but just be prepared to ..Well, meet some real clowns.
The universe is a funny place, don’t be surprised if your Soulmate is older or younger. SoulMate’s don’t care about age. How much older or younger? From my observations, expect years like 7 to 20. In a true (SM) relationship it won’t matter, if anything it will make you stronger. Life is not neat, nor has it ever been. So why should it start now?
There is something about the Passion you share with an (SM). It goes beyond just ” body parts”. For a moment in time you two are the only ones who exist in the universe. Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls have intertwined themselves becoming one. Your personal energies meld and you feel the flame of creation move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summers day. Soon you begin to lose track, of where you begin and your partner ends. From within the depths of your raw passionate union, your (SM) will know how and where to touch you. It will be different, intense and more gratifying than lovers of your past.
They will look into your eyes and you will feel your soul open wide. For some people, there is the “Rush”. All the love, all the lust, all the need will surge forth from your soul like captives from a prison. At this moment you will know what it means to get lost within someone’s eyes. You will experience a touch you have never felt before and your lust will rise to new levels. Often, in the case of true Soulmates. You can get so carried away you can actually hurt yourself. ( I know.. she caused me to pull several muscles one night). But in the end as you lay there, as the warm afterglow begins to fade, you will realize what just happened was not sex. “Sex, simply doesn’t feel this good.”
To put it simply, your (SM) will be able to make love to you in ways no one else will be able to match.
It is within our nature as human beings to fuck things up. The very thing which makes Soulmate love so special, is also the one thing which can bring it down. The simple fact is, the unparalleled love and passion is terrifying to many people.
We learned how to have relationships from our parents or primary care giver. If your primary care givers relationships were dysfunctional, then chances are so are yours. There are many people in this world who in relationships maintain an extreme amount of emotional control. They take pride in the fact their partner is madly in love with them. By being able to “wrap them around their finger” they feel safer. Thus, all their relationships become based on this pattern. Then one day their (SM) comes along and wham! Quickly they discover the control over their heart and the relationship is gone. Now they must relate on a level playing field, and for many, they run.
For those of you who are runners let me tell you what you already know, it doesn’t work. You can move to the other side of the planet, marry some else and fill your spare time up with some cause. But the simple truth is, your (SM) will be there in your soul. No matter how hard you try, no matter how busy you make yourself, everyday they will enter your thoughts. So then many try and fuck them out. But that doesn’t work either, for it becomes just sex and as you lay there afterwards you will feel empty and cheated.
A good measure of this, is simple test. After you have just made love with the person who you are using as a safe substitute, do find yourself wanting to “get away” from them ? A kind of, ” OK. I got off, now get away from me ” feeling? This is assuming of course that you can still get off. In some cases your orgasms are just barely, if you’re lucky. When you were with your (SM) didn’t you feel the need to remain close, to pull each tightly and melt into each other ? That’s the difference, and one which is very hard to hide from yourself.
If you run, then you’ve made the conscious choice to doom yourself and the other person to be haunted for the rest of your lives. Sure, eventually you may fall in love with someone who fits your preconceived image or expectation (cute, rich or successful) of what your partner should be. But as time moves on you never forget, you always wonder and then eventually you regret. I have a saying:
” A person who risks nothing.. Loves nothing..
Therefore, anything worth my love is worth a fight.“
The Soulmate relationship is worth putting up a fight, but there comes a time when you have done all you can and you can do no more. At some point the one who runs has to choose to stop and come to their senses. Life sadly is cruel, just as it is grand. Short of burying your child, losing your Soulmate is indescribable anguish.
It is like having half of your tender soul ripped from your body. You feel lost, abandoned and betrayed. There’s a sense of panic which permeates your very being and personal existence. You find yourself saying, ” never again “. You did something you never had done before, you willingly let another in, all the way.
Eventually, after the shock, the depression comes, then the anger and you just want it all to end. You wish you could just stop feeling but you can’t, and no matter how much you drink, smoke or snort you can’t make the pain go way. Yes, regular Love hurts too and badly. But when you lose a Soulmate, no matter how enlightened, wise, talented or strong, in both will and spirit you are; it is devastating.
Many of us sadly, fail to recover and we never truly “Love” again. Those who are really weak, try to kill themselves. Be it with a car speeding on a wet winding road after drinking, or jay walking on 42nd St., to just taking one too many pills. The end result is the same if we succeed; suicide is suicide whether you leave a note or not.
In the end, we don’t want to even see the person, because that just tears open the wound over and over. Right or wrong, that’s just the way it is. Eventually, you go on with your life and you stop hating them because like you, they’ll never forget either.
Every now and then life gives us a happy ending. Sometimes, after trying to get their Soulmate out of their minds, the “runner” comes to realize what they had lost. A few are wise enough to do whatever it takes to correct the situation and get back into their SoulMates arms. Hopefully, not enough time has gone by so that the situation is salvageable. But often times it is not. All I can say is TRY. With Soulmates there is NO pride, and there CAN be forgiveness. We are destined to meet our Soulmate, what you do after that is “your” choice.
We are born into this world alone and we begin our journey. If we are lucky we find the right partner, “The ONE” along the way. With this person we grow, learn and experience the wonders of human existence. They become a part of us, as we become a part of them. Eventually, our journey must end and as we were born we die, alone. But in between these two points we hopefully have learned, experienced and gained some wisdom with the chance to pass it on.
As I walk my chosen path I say to those of you who shall follow me, this is but one part of the road which lay ahead for you.
In my life time, I found my Soulmate. I know the joys, the exquisite highs, the sense of oneness, completion and a sense of peace. Yet as we turn this coin to the other side, I also know the on going torment of losing one. I hope you never have to find out how it feels, to lose a part of ones self. But if you do, know this: “You will survive. Your life will never be the same, but given enough time you will survive.” At such a moment, you’re not able to see that way. Once you do survive, the choices, good or bad are your responsibility and life will be what YOU make of it.
I wish you well on your personal Journey and perhaps I shall see you on the road we call life.
© 1996-2003 Magic “..the Darkangel”. (TM) All rights reserved
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