A Message from Magic:
On December 24 1996 I was home alone and I was in pain. As a born warrior I’m used to pain, but this.. was something different. I had to fix it, I had to heal and move on. So I sat down to my computer and I wrote Soulmates. Little did I know, what I was to set into motion and how many lives I would effect and change.
I received more mail on “Soulmates” than all the other articles combined. Here now are some of the best of those letters. Be warned, this is a long one.
May you all find the love you deserve,
.. and the happiness we are all entitled to.
From: ( address withheld for privacy )
I have to write and tell you the piece you’ve written has made me cry. I’m sitting here after reading what you have to say and I can’t stop. You see, I’m also one who “ran”. I recognize so much of myself in what you had to say, it hurts.
About six years ago I met a man who was so different from any other man I’d ever met. He could reach inside of me and pull out things I never knew was there. When I was with him I felt alive. He made my heart soar, and my body burn. I did things with him I’d always dreamed of and the sex was well beyond anything I could describe. I loved him and he loved me with all his heart. With him I had absolutely no control over my emotions. I gave myself to him, I got lost within him and he in me. We were Soulmates.
Unfortunately, I came from a family where positive relationships are the exception not the rule. So many of my bothers and sisters have “bad” marriages and my mom was married twice and had several live in boyfriends.
In the end I got scared and I “ran” as you put it. I tried so hard to get him out of my soul, I drank, did drugs and fucked everything that moved. I would pick men who where abusive, because I felt that was what I deserved. I didn’t know it then, but I was doing what my mother and sisters had done before me. I was following the family pattern. My Soulmate was such a loving man, and I repaid his love by lying to him and ripping his heart out.
Do you know he caught me once and I still tried to lie about it ? I finally told the truth when I realized he KNEW as was not just bluffing. In the end he forgave me !!!!! He loved me so much he forgave me, something which if it had been him to fool around and lie, I wouldn’t have been able to forgive him. No one can forgive in my family.
Well to make a long story short:
I eventually went and married someone else. I’ll call him Paul. Paul is a nice man. I married him for what I have learned now is all the WRONG reasons.
- I have control over my heart with him.
- My friends, ( at the time, who are not around anymore) liked him. They didn’t like my Soulmate because he was different.
- My mother found him acceptable.
- My family would find him acceptable.
- He made good money and would be a good provider (financial security).
- When the marriage went bad, ( I had the expectation that it would ) I could just walk away and it wouldn’t hurt, like it would if he was my Soulmate.
In my heart I knew for a year before I married him this was a mistake. But I did what everyone expected of me. I went into denial and buried who I was hoping I could just pretend forever. Well, you can’t. It comes back to haunt you every time you close your eyes to sleep.
Now 3 years later I can say with absolute certainty. I made the biggest mistake of my life. In short I was a fucking idiot. I knew it then and still I did it anyway. So many nights I lay in bed with Paul beside me dreaming about my Soulmate, who has never left my soul. You are SO right about that part, he haunts me constantly.
My marriage is a shame. I have No passion with this man. With my Soulmate there was love, there was, passion, there was fire. With Paul there is the nice apartment, a nice car and our socially acceptable boring narrow minded friends. When we were dating I was lucky if I orgasm once in a while, now after three years I really don’t even want him to touch me. I haven’t orgasm in 2 years during sex with him. Last night we had our once every two weeks or so sex, which lasted about five minutes. After I went and took a shower to wash him from me. Something I never did with my Soulmate, I took his juices with me to work, school.. everywhere. As a man I don’t think you’ll understand it when I say, I miss the feeling of his juices running down to my ankles when I walked.
As I stood there under the stream of hot water, I started to remember what it was like with my Soulmate. With my eyes closed, I started to touch myself without realizing it. Then I started to cry, like I am now. I realized no one will ever touch me like “he” did. No one, will make me orgasm over and over like he did. But most importantly, no one will love ME like he did.
Hind sight is 20-20. I had emotional problems yes, but I should have given my Soulmate the chance to see me through them. He would have worked with me, I know this for sure. Now I realize the value of what I had stupidity cast a side. I let my friends and family decide what was right for me, when I KNEW I had found ” The One” as you put it.
Now I’m trapped, I have fulfilled the family expectation and followed in my mother footsteps. She is a miserable in her own way, and now I am too. I can’t go back now. Even if I could find him he wouldn’t want me. I’ve let myself go and I now have a daughter.
I’ve just reread this and I’m sorry it is so long. I just want to say think you, for helping me know what he must have felt and what I do feel now. I hope your Soulmate comes back to you, it may not be too late for her like it is for me.
BELOW IS MAGIC’S REPLY:
Thank you for your kind words. I’m happy my writing has touched you. I hope you’ll forgive me for being overly frank, but I have a few things to say.
1) You are still being a “fucking idiot” as you put it.
Three years ago you decided not to give your Soulmate a chance to work with you through your fears. Well congratulations, you’re doing it again.
Do not decided for him what he will and will not want, that’s his choice not yours. First you must find him.
Then if he is not married, go to him.
Look him in the eye ( meaning not over the phone) and confess ALL of your mistakes. Admit you ripped his heart out, share with him your pain and his.
When this is ALL done and you have come clean about all the lies, denials and pains. Then ask for his forgiveness. For I think we both know Martha, you also need this to forgive yourself also. If you can have his forgiveness and you can forgive yourself, then you BOTH are on the path to healing the eternal wound between you both.
I’m not saying you should go grovel. I’m saying it is time to learn from your mistakes and like an adult admit to them. Before you even come to the question of would he take me back, you two must first HEAL and heal each other with the powerful love which Soulmates share.
Then. And only then. Can the question of “will you take me back” be asked. If he is your Soulmate then you belong with him, plain and simple.
Please let me know how it goes.
Subject: Remember me ?
From: Martha@( withheld )
I don’t expect you to remember me but I wrote you last year about your Soumates article. I’m the one who you called “a fucking idiot” and advised I should go find him and let him decide if he would take me back.
Well Dakota and I want to thank you for giving me such a swift kick in the butt. I took your advice and I found him. It took some doing including a private detective but I did it. As you had said, I got on a plane and went to him. I was surprised when he was happy to see me, even after what had happened.
I stood in his apartment and did as you said, I came clean. I told him everything I ever did to him and owned up to my actions. I told him about my life, what I learned and how sorry I was. After 2 hours I finally shut up and he then proceed to confess to me where he thought he went wrong. This surprised me and made me cry because for 4 long years he thought it was his fault. In the end we ended up in each others arms and something wonderful happened. Neither one of us cared who’s fault it was, all we wanted was to make ourselves whole again. By the next morning not only was I in sexual heaven again, but WE were almost healed.
You were so right, we needed to heal. But I think you knew that was going to happen didn’t you ?
MAGIC: Yes Martha, I did…..
Paul and I are divorcing. You are right, Soulmates belong with each other. Screw my twisted family, I want to be with Dakota so bad I’m letting Paul keep everything but our daughter. You said, ” don’t make decisions” for him, let him decide what he wants”. Well, I was surprised when Dakota said he still wanted me even though I now had a baby.
You see he wasn’t keen on having children 4 years ago and I used that and many other things to intellectualize my stupidity. End result, I never gave him the chance to decide what “he” wanted.
” I will do whatever it takes to keep us together. If that means I must be a father, then I’ll be the best there ever was.” He said when I told him my daughter was part of the package.
Well, I’ve been living with him for the last 3 months and he has been wonderful with Julia. He loves her as if she was his own. Sometimes, I think this is all a dream and I’m afraid I’ll wake up any second.
If it wasn’t for you Dakota and I would have never found true happiness and he and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Also we would like to invite you to our wedding as our honored guest. Your presence would be the icing, on this very sweet cake of love.
With love and admiration,
Dakota, Martha, & Julia
As I read your words, I was both overjoyed and saddened.
My soulmate and I found each other a few months ago…and we both wondered occasionally whether what we felt was truly a soulmate relationship or not. It was exceptionally gladenning to me to hear that others have known the feelings we feel.
My soulmate and I are close enough that even though we are 3000 miles (literally) away from each other, we can feel each other. And you are so correct, the need for physical intimacy, just even to touch one another’s hand, is overwhelming at times. We both know, instinctively, that even as close as we are, though we’ve never physically touched one another, the moment we do, we will come even closer, I can feel his energy, even this far away….I can only begin to imagine what it would feel like were we close to each other.
And how surprising it was to hear you say that there usually is a large age ifference…there are 10 years between he and I…me being the older.
We have only one problem. I am already ‘attached’. I’ve been married for eight years now…a marraige borne out of convenience, not love. Nonetheless…he is a good man, and a good father, and I cannot bring myself to change that situation.
It tears my heart, feels like it tears my soul, to think of the possibility that we will never be able to be with one another. I cannot begin to describe my pain. It pains me even more to know that he shares it.
How we met, and how we immediately ‘connected’ is unmistakable. Surprisingly, it was in an on-line game…we were playing characters, and our characters met. I was the type who walked away from people, but I didn’t walk away when he said hello. He immediately said “you’re beautiful”. I knew he was talking to me, not my character. I asked him days later why he said that, he said he didn’t know really, but that he was speaking to me, the person behind the computer. I was shocked. As we talked, we bared our souls to one another, neither of us has ever been so open with another…and there was no ‘waiting period’….no time of ‘getting comfortable’ with each other…it was as if we’d known each other all our lives. We would say things at the same time, feel each other’s feelings, think each other’s thoughts…it was incredible.
We have both had ‘feelings and visions’ about lives together in the past. We both know, somehow, that we have been soulmates for a very long time. Our lives have been interconnected for many years…hundreds, we believe.
I don’t even know why I have written this to you, but I know for every instinctive feeling a person gets, there is a reason…and my instinct told me to write this…
I wish you well, and I truly wish for the ease of any pain you may still be feeling.
Subject: something freaky about soulmates
Date: 5-11-97 From: ktsele1@(withheld).edu
Dear Mr. darkangel,
I found my soulmate on October of ’95 at a University I was attending here in Chicago. If you would like to know every little detail of what happened during the relationship, tell me and I’ll mail you the whole story. The relationship lasted only a month, but some weird shit happened one night, which made my girlfriend distance herself from me. And therefore, I was one fucked up, depressed, pethetic soul for about a year after that… now I cope with it by totally not thinking about her or the relationship we once had…anyways back to the fucked up shit, because I think you’ll be intersted in hearing about this.
Magic: Yes.. I just might understand…
We both thought of ourselves as intelligent individuals, and we knew what was happening between us was not normal but was destined to happen. From the day we met…we were both sat down on the same table with about 3 others and the moment I looked at her and she looked at me everyone got up and left simultaneously…leaving us alone…by the next week we were in each others arms ready to get married. Anyways let me get to the freaky shit that happened (I keep trying to avoid it) but here goes:
We were dating for about a week to 2 weeks and we were talking on the phone really late at night… We started sharing personal secrets no else knew of, which consisted of some sexual experiences…and we started getting aroused …but this was no regular hard-on for me…I was getting a piercing pain in the back of my head…after a while…when we both calmed down (me from my hedache, her from her arousal)..we started talking about past lives. Now we talked about it before… but this time …I can’t explain it… something fucked up happened…we both had our lights off in our rooms… and it felt like we got sucked into a dark abyss of some sort…I knew what she was going to tell me next … and I knew if she would have said those words I might of never seen her again…and thats when she said, “before I tell you this, I want you to know that I love you,” …and thats when I chickened out and said “Georgia, don’t say it” and then bang …it was like we got spit out into existence once again…she started praying because she freaked out … and the rest is history…
By the way, when I was dating this girl I was looking for a website such as this one …but I guess you just weren’t around then. I do think you got this soulmate thing down… and I’m sorry for what happened to your relationship…it stings like a bitch, don’t it. I do think that there are more soulmates out there…only because I found mine so easily even if I was 19 years old…but maybe I’m just hoping that there are more soulmates out there. Sorry if this letter doesn’t make that much sense in certain places …I’ve been deprived of sleep lately so its hard to think.
Magic: I know that feeling…
I’d like to here from you, we might be able to market this…or research it..or whatever I’m tired … sincerely me.
Subject: what a touching story
Date: 6-22-97 From: debra @
I wanted to tell you my story and see what you think. 21 years ago at the age of 17 I was hanging out at the pier on clearwater beach. There was this guy on the other side that I could’nt take my eyes off of . I asked someone who he was and they said his name was Pete and he was from Canada. He was with a girl, so I did’nt approach him. The next night he was there again, this time alone. He was sitting away from everyone else, drawing. I bummed an illegal substance from someone and walked up to him, said hello and handed him what I had. He said hello and I sat down and started talking to him. I asked him where he was staying, and he said he had been sleeping on the beach. Well needless to say, I did’nt leave him there. I took him with me to where I was staying. The people I was living with said the house was too crowded already so I took him to another friends place. They said he could stay there. As of that night so did I. Well, for the next 5 months we were inseperable. I would lie awake at night and just stare at him (he never knew I did that)
A group of us left florida and traveled across the country. Pete and I remained side by side 24/7. When we were in Houston Texas he started flirting with some girl and I got quite upset. One of my friends told him to cut it out and he said why? He and I were just friends. Well needless to say, I was crushed. The next morning while he and another friend had gone to the store to get some food, I left and hitchhiked back to New jersey. I had always had a lot of boyfriends, as a matter of fact at that time I had one in the air force that I started dating at age 14 and another I had been seeing for over a year. I reasoned that Pete was just a guy and I would get over him.
After I got home all other relationships lost there meaning. I thought of him constantly. Two years later I got married, But even then I could’nt stop thinking about him. When my husband and I had sex I would close my eyes and imagine it was Pete. I would go through such severe depressions that at times I could’nt move off of the couch for days. I tried to find him a few times. I would call directory assistance in toronto and get every listing of his last name (believe me there are a lot of them) and I would call all of them. A did this several times. After 5 years my marriage ended due to severe abuse. As the years past I thought of Pete less often. But Now and then the memory of him would come flooding back and I would start looking for him again. Always with no luck.
6 1/2 years ago it finally paid off. Every day for about a week when I would come home from work and empty my pockets I would find canadian coins. Well of course that started me thinking about him again. So I started my phone list again. This time I reached a woman in toronto who said it sounded like her nephew but his family was from St. Catherines not toronto. I called directory assistance there and luckily there were only a few listings. The first number I called I went through my speech about this long lost friend and how I knew him and what he looked like. At the end I asked if she knew him or knew of him. She said I sure do, he’s my brother in law. Well needless to say I was floored. With his brothers approval she gave me his phone number. He was living in Saskatchewan. I asked her if he was married, and she laughed and said no he’s not. I felt like I was dreaming. After 15 years he was only a phone call away. I tried many times to dial the number but kept hanging up before completing the call. I was terrified that he would’nt want to talk to me or worse yet that he wouldn’t really remember me, that would have crushed me. Well the next day I finally got the nerve and called. At first he thought it was someone pulling a prank. But I kept mentioning people and events that no one else could possibly know about.
Well he remembered me almost as well as I remembered him and with just as precious of memories. We began writing and calling each other constantly. In one letter he told me that after I left him in Texas he came back to Florida to look for me. After not finding me he went to Daytona beach. While there he met a girl and married her. She was blond and blue eyed, from new jersey and he had met her in florida. Same as me, do you think this was just a coincidence?
They ended up living in New Jersey for two years then divorced. About two months later, I flew up to saskatchewan to spend his birthday with him. Everyone thought I was nuts to fly thousands of miles to spend a week with someone I had not seen in 15 years. But I had to do it. As soon as we saw each other the connection was instant. It was as though we had only been apart for a very short time. It was so natural and purfect. 3 months later he moved with me to virginia and we were going to get married. Everything went perfectly for months. We were able to read each others minds and communicate with just a glance. We would lie in bed and talk until the sun came up. And the sex was beyond desciption. Well then I got pregnant. It was my 5th pregnancy, all of the others had ended in misscarriage (I have 3 children that I have adopted) He knew the odds were strongly against this pregnancy. He was extremely supportive and took complete care of me and my kids. He would leave notes and cards around the house telling me how much he loved me and that we were in this together.
Well, at nine weeks I found out that the fetus was dead. Pete had been an alcholic for many years although he had stopped drinking as a condition of our getting back together. Well he saw this as an excuse to drink. He went on a binge became emotionally and verbally abusive and then left me. I hated him so much. As soon as he got back to canada he started calling and telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me and missed “his kids”. I was more hurt than I have ever been in my life. crushed really. He continued to drink and although I still loved him desperately I could’nt let him hurt me again.
A few weeks later I met a man who was the complete opposite of Pete in every respect. I usually go between 1 and 2 years between relationships so getting involved with someone else after such a devastating breakup was very much out of character for me. 5 months later I married the guy. Well as soon as we got married mister wonderful shed his skin. For the most he refused to speak to me. He did’nt see communication as important. Sex was awful and he was cold to my children. As I said he and Pete were complete opposites. Pete continued to call my sister at her business to beg her to talk me out of getting married. She hung up on him every time. The last time he called her she told him I was married. I stayed with my second husband for only 1 1/2 years. When he purchased a farm I decided not to move there with him. 3 years ago I moved to Florida and most of my family has since followed. My life is very full, I go to collage and work and have purchased my first home nearly 2 years ago. I have a lot of friends and am always busy. I have not had a relationship with a man in September it will be 4 years. That sounds strange because I am still very pretty and often meet men, but I have no interest in a relationship.
From time to time I think of Pete and wonder what happened to him. I still miss him and believe it or not I still love him. About a month ago I had a dream that I was at the cemetary where he was buried. I woke up crying, it seemed so real. I could’nt stop thinking about him the next day and that night when I went to bed I smelled his cologne on my pillow. It was very strange. And scary. Two days later I called his old roomate to see if he knew what had ever happened to him. To my suprise he said he was still living there. While we were talking Pete came home and his roommate asked me if I wanted to talk to him. I said no, I did’nt even want him to know that I had called. He said I should at least say hi to him and I finally agreed. As soon as I said “hello Pete” he knew who it was.
The magic started again. Over the past month we have spoken about twice a week and are exchanging letters. The one I recieved the other day was 52 pages long. He appologizes for what he did every time we speak and takes full responsibility. He has stopped drinking and is in counseling. His counselor knows all about me and what happened between us. He claims to have never been truly in love with anyone but me. He was seeing someone when I contacted him this time and immediately broke it off. I know this is true because when I called once one of his roomates answered and said he was’nt home. When I asked this guy John if he remembered me from my visit 6 years ago. He said “Oh hi, hold on let me go get him”. I said “you just said he was’nt home” and he said that was because he thought it was some local girl that Pete did’nt want to speak with. So I knew about her before Pete told me about her.
After 21 years our connection is as strong as ever even from 3,000 miles away. He says word for word what I am thinking. We send each other letters at the same time that say almost exactly the same thing. For instance in my last letter I said that I was glad to hear that he was seeing a counselor and that if we got back together I thought it would be a good idea if we went to counseling together. The letter that he wrote at the same time said the exact same thing. I have to admit I am very scared. No one has the power to hurt me as he does.
MAGIC: Only a Soulmate has that kind of power, even if he is a Toxic one at that.
But neither of us is a complete person without each other. He wants to come back before the end of the year. And this time he promises that he will never leave me and that we will do it right this time. He compares our union to a circle. We go from extremely close to very far apart but the circle does’nt break and I don’t think it ever will.
The concept of soul mates is new to me. I have just started reading a little bit about it. It describes us to a tee. His family loves me but mine is going to be very upset when I tell them that we are speaking again, never mind when I tell them he is coming back. This time I really believe in my heart that it will work. And I am not a nieve person. For all of his faults Pete is not a liar. In fact one of his faults is is lack of tact. So what he says, I believe. We even look alike. We are both the oldest children in our families, from middle class families, were extremely close to our maternal grandmothers, we are both of Irish, english and scottish descent. Our last names are both scottish. Mine is Todd and his is Fyfe. We both are blond and blue eyed. Have baby faces. Are left handed and draw and communicate well. We even both have the same scars on our right wrists from suicide attempts as teenagers. We each have a heart murmur also. When we were together when I was 17 and he was 20 people used to ask us if we were twins regularly.
I think it is safe to assume this is the longest e-mail that you have ever received and I hope you have taken the time to read it. What do you think? Is this a strange story or what?
No, I don’t think it is strange. Just because someone is your Soulmate doesn’t mean your relationship will be perfect. Pete has many issues in this life to work out within himself, just as you do. Perhaps, you are meant to work them out together.