Last time, we discused the general concepts of swinging. Within these concepts are some basic truths:

• Love and sexual fidelity are not always synonymous.
  
• Swinging is about relationships, yours and others.
  
• One of the unspoken rules of swinging is ... always preserve your primary relationship.
  
• There are no double standards; if you can, so can your partner.
  
• Personal insecurities have no place here. If you haven't really transcended them, how can you expect your partner to?
  
• If your relationship is dysfunctional, don't do it.

Most outsiders, or "mundanes" as I like to call them, think this subculture is all about sex. Well... it really is NOT. Yes, sex is the main activity, but sex is a physical action. What swinging is really about is relationships, growth, pleasure, social bonding and enlightenment. I know what you're thinking ... "enlightenment"?

Sexual exploration within our culture is a needlessly difficult thing; this is very sad. When we confront the needs of our minds, bodies and souls, growth happens. Once we grow beyond the narrow confines of possession and jealousy, we learn to live, share and enjoy. Thus enlightenment is attained for ourselves and for our relationships. This is the goal of swinging, another way to set yourself free.

Discovery of self can make a relationship stronger or shatter it. Too many of us live a lie. Those of you who are (living a lie) know (feel) it inside. You pretend you are one thing when in reality you are something else. For example: Not everyone is monogamous, but many of us try anyway. Eventually after many years of unhappiness, some of us wise up and stop trying to fit into a mold we are not meant for.

OK... You've gone through the soul searching, you've examined your relationship and you've come to the conclusion you really want to do this. What next?

At some point you have to tell your partner you want to try swinging. If the thought of this gives you a lump in your throat, you're not alone. For most people this is the hard part. Especially, if you've had the traditional American marriage for the last ten years. Here are some basic guidelines for you to follow:

1. Don't answer an ad before your partner has had time to accept the whole concept. Once your partner is comfortable and reassured you can move slowly to the next phase.

2. Reinforce your partner's sense of security. Make it clear you still love them. Give positive reassurance as to your need and commitment to the relationship.

3. Often, it is the male who is the initiator of this change. Therefore, DO NOT buy your wife flowers and then take her to dinner before you spring the news. It reeks of a set up and usually will work against you. If you want to soften up your partner try this:
   For 30 days prior make them the center of your universe. When she comes home from a hard day's work, listen to her. Don't try and solve her problems, just listen. Women like to vent, then they feel better. Men, on the other hand, are raised to grin and tough it out. Failing that, we are expected to solve the problem and make it go away. A source of friction in many relationships is, we men feel we must solve every problem we are presented. This is wrong. Often all we need to do is listen, show we are paying attention and say nothing. By treating her with a sense of value and making her feel special, you will improve her reception of the idea. If your partner is male, reassure his sense of masculinity, independence and control. Explain to him that you are still his woman and he has not failed.

4. Be forthright. Don't leave a magazine around for your partner to find. It is not a good way to break the ice. However, going out and buying something like Penthouse Forum or Variations and reading it in bed together is a good way to lay the groundwork.

5. Drugging or getting your partner drunk before hand is a NO, NO. However, a glass of wine by the fire isn't bad, though.

6. If your partner is nervous, anxious or had a bad day, don't do it. You'll only make it harder and, at best, worse for your case.

7. Do not get into the blame game. If you should find this happening call a time out, then wait for another time.

8. Don't threaten. For if you do, you'll crash and burn. Besides, if you're dumb enough to say, "do this or it is over", your partner may be dumb enough to say, "See you later."
   

   Magic's Law # 16: "Never make a threat you are not prepared to carry out instantly. The one day you're bluffing is the day they'll call."

9. If a question about swinging comes up you can't answer, don't fake it. I know we men often have this annoying tendancy to think we know everything, but we don't. Tell the truth, "I don't know." Then go and find out the answer.

10. Close your mouth and listen. Listen to the objections, write them down if you have to, but listen. Some people need lots of time to adjust to a new way of thinking. As humans we often throw out objections to give ourselves time to think and come to terms with new ideas. A wise person should expect this and not be thrown off by it. Over time either your partner will warm up enough to really listen to you or they will not.

What I have outlined here, are my ten basic guides for "popping" the news. Remember.... everyone is different, and for many this will be a large leap to make, so be patient, loving, kind and supportive.

As I said in #3, make your partner the center of your universe. Shower them with love and attention for 30 days prior. By the way, I said love and attention. Not grovel at their feet (... unless you have a foot fetish). In doing this you will open the lines of communications, strengthen your relationship and bring yourselves closer together. Along with this, bring home an issue of Penthouse letters and read them together in bed. Share the expanding of your mutual horizons together as a erotic experience. By making your partner aware of what others are doing, usually this over time will aid in their acceptance.

I had my first threesome with my girlfriend and her best friend when I was 17. Over the years I have helped introduce many people to this lifestyle. Most of the women and some of the men never knew such adventures were really possible. ...And as Shakespeare put it, "Therein lies the rub." If your partner does know or believe such adventures are possible, then you must educate them first. It is the difference between trying to jump across the Grand Canyon or a babbling brook. Which do you think you'll be more successful at?

Take your time; you'll be the better for it and so will your relationship. Swinging has been around for a long time. It weathered the Herpes scare of the 70's and the AIDS panic of the 80's to comeback in the 90's.

So relax and take the proper amount of time to put one foot in front of the other.
....And follow me.

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© Orignal copyright 1995 Magic.